Hello, and welcome to Fuck the Titanic, the only review website that reviews on a 1-thru-7 scale. Our senior reviewers include Matt, Pat, and Lev. They have been working in the industry since highschool and have the specific know-how and expertise to review by Fuck the Titanic’s demanding and stringent guidelines. Below is the scale by which we construct our ratings.

Staff:

Lev
Senior Reviewer, Site Administrator
Growing up in Little Rock, Arkansas, Lev only knew two things for certain. One: being black was tough when racism was as common as stay-at-home wives. Two: Fuck it. It was with this life experience that Lev was able to win the Iowa State Corn Farmer’s Tri-Annual Rap Battle. He took his grand prize earnings of $500 and a month’s supply of corn to start up his first web start-up in 1999. It was the first web start-up to run entirely on ethanol fuel. However, when the dot-com bubble burst he lost all his earnings. Lev went through a lengthy period of finding himself in the mountains of Tibet. Once he caught up to himself again he asked how things had been, borrowed some CDs from himself and got his phone number. That’s how one of history’s most important partnerships began.

Matt
Senior Reviewer
Nobody liked Matt when he was a kid. He had two big problems. First one: He was from the South. Little Rock, Arkansas, in fact. Second problem: he was black. The thing here is, nobody likes Southerners, because of their stupidity. Southerners don’t even know that they hate themselves because they are so stupid. Unfortunately, Matt was just as stupid as the stupidest hick the south had to offer. His blackness was just as much of a problem, seeing as southerners hate black people. Now, people would tell Matt that his life was hopeless. they would say that he stunk. He cried. Matt, in fact, invented the widely used crying black boy technique. He realized, that if he cried and was a little boy, and then was black, he could steal money from people’s purses… WHILE THEY WERE GIVING HIM MONEY BECAUSE THEY FELT BAD FOR HIM. Anyways, people still told Matt he was worthless. But he knew better. He told them, that when he was older, things would be better. They would be better because when he grew up, he planned on being a fantastically amazing white boy living in an upper middle class town about 30 miles away from Chicago. All through his life he kept up this goal. A couple times, he thought that he would fail. But, finally, at the ripe old age of 83, Matt finally did it. He is now 17, awesome, and most importantly, white. His success has inspired many films and short stories, and he plans on touring the country giving motivational speeches to minorities at schools, and then after the speeches hosting a congratulatory celebration for the Caucasian members of the school.

Pat
Senior Reviewer
Pat was born a poor black boy in Little Rock, Arkansas, with no one to aid him but his wits. Being of a superior intellect, he soon left his home and abandoned his birth-family in favor of a better one in Christland, Illinois. Taking on the guise of a small, irish cracker, Pat quickly adapted to his new family and town. Pat met Matt and Lev at the ripe age of 11, while parasailing through the jungles of Tahiti. At first, he hated them with a passion…and he still does. But, he had no choice but to befriend them. Three years later, he graduated from middle school receiving high honors such as the “Kid who graduated middle school” award and the “Kid who managed to never be noticed” certificate. Years later, he still displays these awards proudly in his bedroom, right next to his little league baseball trophies. At the age of 16, halfway through his high school career, Pat decided it was time to come out to his parents and tell them the truth. His parents were both shocked and disturbed to hear what Pat had to say, and they began vomiting and crying immediately after he told them that he was, in fact, black. Vomiting their guts out and crying their hearts out, they threw Pat out of the house. With nowhere left to go, Pat quit his job at the local Walmart and took the first rocketship to the moon, where he still lives to this day. There, watermelons in hand, he writes review after review in order to please the two people he hates most, Lev and Matt, until one day, he can return to earth, and wreak his terrible vengeance on all those who betrayed him. One day…one day…

Ryan
Reviewer
As a child, Ryan was a shy, black boy who lived in Little Rock, Arkansas. He would get over this ‘colored phase’ and become a flamboyant Native American gay man. Unfortunately, this too proved to just be a phase, and Ryan finally matured into a hula hoop, so he could gently caress children’s hips without being arrested.

Trevor
Senior Nay-Sayer
Trevor is a poopy-head and has always been one. When people think of Trevor they can’t help but taunt him by chanting “na-na-na-na-na” and throwing rotten fruit at him. When it comes to putting people down and saying they’re never gonna start up that website you just came up with at the lunch table, Trevor is tops.

F.R.A.N.C.O. (Found Really Awesome New Can Openers)
Contributor
A fan of acronyms and non-burn victims, John always had a hard time fitting in at Acronymhatingburnvictim School. Left down on his luck, homeless, suffering withdrawals from speed/Bayer brand Heroin, and chronic headaches, John was hiding in the walls of Lev’s house for some time. Until, Lev caught him stealing food. Lev promised that if John stopped stealing food, and started hunting the neighborhood squirrels for food, Lev would give him a column. A column where Acronyms are encouraged and burn-victims are allowed only on certain days of the week. In his free time, John enjoys Ping Pong, sandwiches, and bogarting friends.